Logish Lifestyle

It looks like all I have is my blog to "speak" to, in this time of 'crisis'. On the outside, I have always looked happy. Always in my own world, imagining how I want my life to be, me being the best I can. Reality just sucks so much. I'm sick of writing the same genre of posts that basically complains about my life all the time. I'm sick of being the nice person who doesn't want to argue with anyone even if I'm right, in fear of losing the friendship. I'm sick of looking at everyone elses' financially stable lifes. I'm sick of looking at people worry about nothing at all. Most of all, I'm sick of the bloody feeling that I literally can't breathe because of the building up pressure.

I doubt my family cares, they seem to be in their own world of troubles and just unknowingly, making me more stressed out. All the time, I have to put up a strong front but deep down inside, I feel so weak, ready to pass out at any moment. It's harder than I thought to "withdraw" almost all emotional dependency from anyone. However, I know I must because ultimately, no one cares. No one gives a FUCK.

I wonder when I'll recover. Actually, how I will recover when I'm still getting torn up minute to minute. I have hopes and dreams but they are only but hopes and dreams, somehow lost with time. It's easier for me to keep myself busy with other people's problems and help them out than to try solve mine. As far as I can tell, it's just too complex.

Watching the television sure helps, momentarily. You forget what troubles you until when the show is over, you realise that you aren't the happy character on the TV programme.

Anyway, perhaps I'm just too different from people of my age. I can understand what they go through but I can't say that they understand my problems. Not saying that I'm an old soul or something likewise.

I'm so tired of people having the "When I have a problem, you must be there for me. When you're in trouble, I see whether I got time to be there for you" mentality. Everyone seems to turn against me. After all, what am I to them? A stranger...

All I want is some degree of nomalcy. I mean like act my age, do whatever my gender "species" do and all. However, given my current situation, I guess it's very much wishful thinking. It's just a really horrible cycle of bad karma...

Posted by Logish at 9:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever noticed how the school actually tries to control every thing you do? When they "invite" you for detention, its just as good as having a funeral. You can't posibly not go for a funeral right.

Let me just tell the school something, I'm not a dog and don't you bloody treat me like one. Just because you say I have to go for some fitness test, doesn't mean that I have to go for the first one and be judged as playing truant if I don't. I'm not your fucking dog. Don't tell me how to live my life.

For once the dumb principal should quit about talking about habits. I can talk to you about habits if you want. Quit talking too much because you are boring and don't talk sense. Stop being so contradictary to your own actions.

Sometimes, I just feel myself screaming in my head and not one person cares. Friends can be compared to strangers. when they need you, they come to you and expect you to be there for you. If you are feeliing like SHIT or in deep SHIT. "Oh sorry Logen, you don't want me to get into trouble with you right?" When they themselves are partly to be blamed. Or simply, look at you like you are air.

For years, I've been trying to find someone who would care and look out for me and of course I'll do the same. In fact, I did care, love and look out for some people alot, not caring about the returns. Lets just say, in investment terms, I became bankrupt!

No longer will I be stupid enough to take a chance. I don't want to have emotional dependency on anyone because when it's over, it hurts like fuck. "Born alone, Die Alone" how true! I look at myself now and its different, my hearbeat is so much faster most of the time, I feel as if I'm a Volcano about to erupt but god is just putting his/her hand on top to cover it. This feels totally like Shit.

I'm no longer like my religious self. Not knowing if I'm able to commit myself by my religion (wicca). Speaking of that, I'm also sick of people taking my religion as a joke. Yea, I can fly on broomsticks and drink blood*sarcasm*. My advice would be, SHUT YOUR BIG ASSHOLE ON THE FACE UNTIL YOU KNOW ANYTHING.

Unfortunately, I cannot let off some steam here either. *sighs*

-Logen

Posted by Logish at 7:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

WOO!!! I started a 'great' day today. I was very pissed by Jeffrey. He just spoilt my day basically. Not that drastically of course. However, I must give him credit for the start of this nonsense. Let me tell you something, arogance and pride will bloody be your dowfall one day. To think I tried to be nice to you!

Anyway, during Civics & Moral Ed, that PMS teacher was talking to us about some crappy drama that will be performed later on during RACIAL HARMONY ASSEMBLY. When she was reading out the narrative part of the script, saying "and he said some magical words". At that point I turned to Fu Hua and filled in on "the magical words"... Gan Ni Na Bu Chee Bai (a vulgarity in the hokien dialect). I was saying it so soft that only Fu Hua could hear.

Well, just "coincidentally", she looked at my lips and GUESSED what I was saying. She's like, "I want you to say to the class what you said." I told her I did not want to. She then proceeded to threaten me with detention, so I just said it aloud. Ms. PMS, gave our class a lecture for until beyond 30 minutes of her allocated lesson.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever I do is my business. It's not as if I came to her lesson blaring vulgarities non-stop. She asked me to say to the class what I said to my partner privately. No lets say she threatened me. Don't question my class if you don't compose yourself and start yelling at everone and having PmS every single day. That is so hypocritical!

I want to continue my post in peace now... After arriving for my Social Studies class, I checked my cell and found out that Ais was admitted, having a confirmed case of dengue fever. Must be that stupid MOSQUITO!

As I had to go to the factory to buy Kacang puteh nuts for the business, I couldn't visit her. Lets just say I stepped on dog SHIT. The smell just wanted to make me puke!

I MUST DEFINITELY BRUSH UP ON MY LANGUAGE! I have been slacking so badly. Nevermind, I'm going to watch Incredible Tales, ANTM3 & Las Vegas. Lets not forget, do my DnT Folio. One more thing, I had a night of Insomia because of my fucking itchy eczema condition and am damn tired now. I'll hold.

Ciao...

Posted by Logish at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today was quite alright. Mrs Lai was telling us about the "business project" during Humanities Week. We had to source for nuts for Kacang Puteh we were selling.

Went to Mustafa with Lor Lan (Lauren) after school. Not much help actually, we couldn't find nuts in bulk... A customer there also mistook us for the Mustafa Sales management. Dumb. I knew the school uniform was so much like SHIT...

Anyway, after we came back to Toa Payoh, I "enjoyed" sushi on the 73 bus until one lady sat beside me. Grr...

From the way I have typed my post, I obviously don't want to say much. So, ciao...

Posted by Logish at 8:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

Okay, first off the good news! There will be "THE APPRENTICE 3" at 10 on Channel 5. YAY! Now the bad news, not really bad yarh, just that I think its really stupid. I wonder why someone is jealous of me for... If I say too much people will know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I did some "spying" on other peoples' blog(need to be updated on new news *laughs*). Nothing much. At last my dear "wife" has been making the effort to blog. *Sighs*I'm really getting dead inside. Emotionally, I mean. Just so sick of everything.

Well, there's no point for me to stay around if I don't know what to say except that I just realised that some people though at first seem so nice, have a monster in them. The only reason why I say this is because of their disgusting character. I'm not who I am. I'm not who I seem like.

Posted by Logish at 8:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today though not really fun, was better than my days of depression. Not only that, I got to know two persons better. Okay, in school, during the last lesson, Chia Hsin, Fu Hua and I had some horror movie cum psychic talk. We were like talking about this horror movie when suddenly the bloody door was slammed by the wind. It scared the hell out of us!

Anyway, after school, I went to Gladys' Pool as usual with Ais, Laur, Eli, Eileen, Winnie and of course Gladys. Before that, we got some sushi from NTUC. Woo! Ais got me addicted man! So, we were already swimming in the pool when Guan Yu climbed over the fencing and was caught by the guard. So poor thing! *laughs*

Got to talk to Glad, Laur and Chia Hsin after Ais and the other guys left. We were so "bitchy". Didn't last long though, it rained rather heavily. After bathing and stuff, Chia Hsin and I went upstairs to Glad's house with the queen-size float, 2 body-length floats and the pump. We opened the door then we saw this guy and we thought we went to the wrong house. I was like "fuck, I think its the wrong unit." Then Glad opened the door saying that's her cousin.

Well, Glad's crazy mom kicked me out of the bedroom because I was a guy. I sat at the living room watching kids central, HI 5 for 10 minutes before her cousin changed the channel to MTV asia. CS came out to accompany me and I really got to know a different side of her. I'm like, wow. It was nice to talk to her.

After all the crap, I had dinner at KFC with Laur, Eileen, Winnie and Chia Hsin. It was so so boring. Eileen insisted on going to kiddy palace and I had to follow her while CS went home. Its like going out with a 5 year old. Half way through, Shun Li appeared behind me. Damn, it was scary! At first, I'm like, okay, I got nothing to say man. However, later on after we sent Eileen to the taxi stand, lets just say, I got to know a different side of Shun Li as well. This surprised me. Don't want to say much about it.

We were at Mac when he got this text message from I forgot who saying that Winnie got hit by a car. He was like so shocked. Okay, I admit I was too, but not to his extent. There, that's about it.

I was thinking about the day and I prophesized something. Specifically, a thing about trust will be stirred up. Today is going to be the day that will be better than that of the near future. Just wait and see...

Ciao...

Posted by Logish at 9:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

Taking action is useless when there isn't a result. Well, whatever...

Anyway, I was really moody in school today. Just for the record, everyone was minding their own business. I wonder when this "nonsense" will stop.

This is what I wrote today...

"No use doing something, when tomorrow is going to be the same.
You wished life wouldn't be as harsh.

The people who are with you, ALWAYS hurt you the most.
You wish it weren't true, but DAMN, it's true!
Deep inside it always hurts so bad.

Ignorance towards people, people you once hurt.
Not to keep them out, it's to keep yourself away for guilt.

Time makes the distance between people.
What would have been close, is but strangers now.

You wish to go away, far away from this life you know.
Starting afresh, never having contact to the past.

You want to love, but who would love you?
Pain and suffering, no one knows.

Grown-ups dismiss it as normal teen behaviour.
You stop to wonder, "Is it normal to be called a faggot?"

People judge so quickly, not a care to your feelings.
After all, who are you? what are you?
You mean nothing to no one..."

It's not meant to be poetic. Just less than more of what I feel. It's like, a broken glass, some people look and comment about it, while others look through it like it isn't there. TRANSPAPENT, thats what I am.
That's all folks... Ciao...

-Logen

Posted by Logish at 8:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

Feeling so numb right now. *sighs* I remember that I promised to do an article on child exploitation. That will have to wait. I don't really have time and I'm "emotionally unstable" now. I need to just distance myself from people for a while. Not always successful though. Wonder if there's someone to listen but I don't think anyone will or at least I no longer trust like I did before. I mean, I no longer take chances as my situation is so much more complicated now. I won't be able to take it if that person reacts to it negatively.

Actually, its really hypocritical of me to talk about trust as I have broken trust before. What was I thinking? Anyway, yarh, I no longer do that and will never do that. I lost a few people and though not close to me, I love them as friends.

See what I said about karma. It bites you in the butt. My butt-size is not reducing though!

Ciao...

-Logen (against discrimination)

Posted by Logish at 7:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

I guess, there will be a point of time when you actually sit down and ask yourself, "Why am I here, suffering? What is my purpose?". This is actually happening again. There are people who would just dismiss what I have just said, thinking that they are too "great" or don't have time to think about such stupid stuff.

Well, I can't do anything about their arrogant mentality or maybe I think too much(I don't!). It all comes down to insecurities. What can I actually do if I have eczema and people keep looking at me as if I don't want to cure it. Even worse, chanting "skin disease". As much as I have pretty much a feminine thinking towards some things, which more or less affect how I act, I detest being called "gay", "sissy", whatever.

People look at me as if I want to act how I act or have what I have on purpose. Do you think I want to be judged every single day with discriminative comments? I admit, I love my mentality, the way I think and feel, which I can say that it is so much more complex than the way I have been and am perceived. However, the part of how I act, I'm just not aware of how it is seen by a third party. Put yourself in my shoes, being so fucking different. People saying stuff about you most of the time. How does that feel?

More or less without saying, I'm used to being called you know what. That doesn't mean that I'm a vegetable! You think I don't react to it? I pretend to act normal on the outside but deep inside, it hurts so so bad. Your own 'friends' calling you that. It's just so despicable of people to discriminate someone who is different.

You people don't know how much it is killing me. Perhaps it is more of, "It's none of my business, why should I care?". Good luck to you...

So, in my conclusion, what is my purpose. I'll let the higher power decide. Perhaps whatever is happening now is the effect of karma. I will accept it, like I said in the "poem".

-Logen (I have decided that I would be more truthful in my blog. I can't stand just talking about things that are so superficial. Really would defeat the purpose of me blogging.)

Posted by Logish at 6:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

This is going to be a short post. I have just finished the bloody DnT folio (not exactly) and its like 1.46am now! Ahh! Okay, my arms are itching now. I HATE ECZEMA!!!

I also hate the bloody comments from some brainless people who have no knowledge of my condition and want to talk SHIT about it. I don't need to name who. We know there's a bitchy shit face who wants to be the "ALL-ROUNDER". WOO! Good luck with that.

Lets just say, I can't give her all the credit. It also really pains me to say that a few of the others are people I really like. Well, whatever! I'm feeling really "PECK CHEK" now. For those who don't know what it means, it means frustrated.

I'm sleepy and cranky and still have so much to do before I can sleep! I think this post can't really be defined as short now eh? Nevermind... Ciao

-Logen is against discrimination of race/colour, religion, gender & sexual orientation...

Posted by Logish at 1:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Okay, I didn't post for yesterday. So let this be yesterday's post.

Went to Gladys' house at 1+ to swim! Was so so fun! Too bad Eil and Pooh Bear didn't swim because of the moon. *grins*.

Anyway, Eli, Laur, Ais, Glad and I were having such a peaceful swim until GK, Gy and Shun Li came. Splash us and keep topling the boy float I was lying on. Who cares! It was fun!! *laughs* Poor Gk had to go home. Feverish. He kept shivering I guess. I neglected them. For a reason (in fact a few reasons), it's not about them though, it's about me. OKay okay! I admit, I was a little moody. GY sensed it. He has ESP.

I don't know why but it just is so torturous looking at stuff and know that will never be you. Nah, I don't want to talk about it though.

Really did enjoy the float flipping though. ;)

Here's one spoiler though, the bitch that Gladys had a fight with, came to the pool with her friends. Though they didn't disturb us, I'm sure they were making some caty comments. As did us. Gladys was abit scared. *sighs*

Like the other time, we went to 7-eleven with a T-shirt over us. Had a tummy-ache when I swam right after snacking. Didn't tend to it anyway...

I loved the night the most, it would have been better if those two idiots didn't run off and play LAN. Lauren, Ais and me swam until 8+. Had fun topling both of them over that queen-sized float. As usual Ais screamed... Lauren wasn't as embarassed by her like last time. *laughs*

Didn't know why, but I felt so at peace. The darkening sky, the water lit by lamps, it was so beautiful...

I might continue another day... Anyway, today was fine. Except that I slept til 3 cos my body ached so much from swimming for about 6 hours!

Posted by Logish at 7:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

I wrote this during D&T a week ago and completed it today... I personally think it's very spell-like...
-----start-----
Face the day like you don't care,
In the heart it hurts so bad.
Feeling like its never ending,
Like a karmic curse rotating,
Upon you it always be.

Lonesome soul lost in the dark,
Never hoping to be found.
Not a friend to lend a shoulder.
Persecution at the corner.

Trust not one
Nor to be trusted.
Once broken
Never found.

Punished be for deeds of evil,
Fate accepted in thy heart.
No soul flees the karmic cycle,
Guilt sets in and three times worse.

Hell created,
face the music.
Misery but no salvation,
Death be life to soul of thou.

-Logen Lanka
All Rights Reserved to the Author...

Posted by Logish at 7:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

Finally, I'm back to blogging... The past 2 weeks has been really hectic for me. Somehow, my emotions caught up with me so much. Well, people no longer really care about the things they say that hurts me so bad. Not that they cared before anyway. After all, to them, I'm not a human being... Just because I think and feel differently from a stereotype, I'm "persecuted".

Now, I truly understand the cliche "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" . Dying isn't as bad as being on the verge of death. That means to say, the proccess is more likely worse than the result. Might not make sense to some though eh...

It just so seems that, whatever has happened to me is the result of karma. Lets just say Karma isn't as bad as the guilt that I have. A series of really stupid decisions results in plenty of broken friendships. Perhaps "trust" is the suitable word.

Sometimes, I just don't know what to say about how I feel. I mean, its certainly different and so so complicated. I reread what I wrote and I don't even know if it makes sense anymore. I wonder why I just can't be like everyone else.

All my feelings are just mixing so much that, I've screwed up my blog post... *sighs*

Posted by Logish at 7:15 PM | Permalink | Comments