Logish Lifestyle

Woo! TEACHER'S DAY!!! Well, what a bunch of bull....

I went back to Kuo Chuan Primary. Looking at others, just looking at them. How much they have changed, how much better they looked. Remembering why I almost always dreaded meeting them with them. People say stuff, mean stuff... My ego, emotions, "SELF-CONFIDENCE"... GOES DOWN THE drAin.

I'm in search for some bloody happiness, what do I get? I owe perhaps in total almost 100 dollars to various people as I don't have enough money and this is still the case. I'm at a lost. What am I to do?

I'm sick of being receptive to other people's emotions while I and them neglect mine. I'm not a fucking rock, I have emotions too! Ultimately, I just feel that, simply, no one cares.

*sighs* ...........................................

Posted by Logish at 7:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

I am finally able to lose almost all emotional dependency towards anyone. Here's a downside, most of the time now, I feel as if my heart i beating so fast and I could hardly breathe. Sighs...

Anyway, Mrs Lai has been really amgry these few days and I mean really she blew her top. Sometimes I really pity her, no one really appreciates her efforts. Right now, I think, the amount of stress she is facing, also due to the build-up, is making her lose hope. She has been harsher and I would say that, it isn't completely her fault. In fact, most of it lies with the class. I'll be praying for her.

Ahh, I didn't have time to finnish up the POA TEST. I think I'm finally going down this time. FAILURE!!!

Well, besides this, Harris has been driving me crazy as he thinks I'm his love rival just because I went to MC DONALDS to study with her. Excuse me! I admit that some of our interests are common which makes it easy to talk to her but I DO NOT LIKE HER IN THAT SORT. I have enough fucking problems to think about having a fucking relationship. However, I do fancy someone else, I just can't help but be attracted to her. No plans though. As if she'd like a guy like me.

Okay, I wonder why I even explain the above. I'm on the verge of bursting. Be glad I haven't tell anyone off yet, it will be too hurtful. I have refrained from telling off 2 people. Just because I keep quiet and smile when I'm "provoked" doesn't mean I'm not angry. I don't suck up to no one. Continue and you'll see my other side. I'm not targeting any specifics here...

On with the better stuff now. I'm still pissed though. WHATEVER...

Had lots of fun with Lauren and Gladys just now. We swam till 4+ and went up to Gladys' house to bathe. At least her mother wasn't in the country.

Got to lie on her bed after that while they both were using the laptop. I put a pillow on my head like I always do when I sleep to block the light and that dumb Lorlan(Lauren) lean on top of the pillow on my head, I think. *laughs*

I guess I shut off for about 5 minutes and they woke me up saying that we were going to eat. I got off and they said they wanted to decide the location first. Girls are so indecisive. *grins* I wanted to get back on the bed then once again Lorlan jump on. SOBS. *LOL*

Instead of eating, we watched the first VCD of "Hot Chick". By the time we were done, it was decided that we would go to 7-11 to get some food. Somehow, when we looked at the cheese and the other frozen foods, our final decision was made. We were going to COOK. Quite okay, we fried omelete and watched the 2nd half of "Hot Chick".

Somehow, it felt as if we were family. I don't know. I mean, nevermind. I had fun. At least it got my mind off my problems...

Posted by Logish at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

Yeah, I'm feeling quite okay but I now often get lost. Like when I walk out in the streets, I get lost in my emotions, feeling numb and just not lookng out for things I need to look out for.

I told myself that I shouldn't continue liking this girl because I don't know if I can just easily open up and trust someone like I did last time. Besides, no girl would want to be with me. I dream of times when I can sweep a girl off her feet and same can be said about her. Abit of myself isn't hoping for too much. I think she's really cute(not the ugly but adorable cute). Well, I can't say much about her, or else most people will know who I'm talking about.

Lets say, I'm not conditioning myself not to open up too much or whatever. Nothing lasts...

-Listening to "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tyler Hilton feat Bethany Joy- (thinking about her)

I've been having a break from thinking about girls for perhaps 3 - 5 months. Now, although I don't think I should, my crush on her just got bigger. Nevermind, doesn't make sense.

Watched Charlie and The Choolate Factory today with Ais and Mandy yesterday. In my opinion, it sucked. So kidish and boring. I felt as if I was watching a cross of hi-5 and 'In Our House' (some sucky singaporean kid show). Funny at some parts but yeah, I wouldn't but the VCD...

After the movie, we walked by the SG River. Some military planes were flying and both Ais and Mandy were acting like bimbos wondering why the planes were there... Anyway, as we walked on, we saw 5 caucasian girls. They were so daring and cute. Sashaying to the song an Elvis Presley Wanabe Contestant was singing.

We reached The Fullerton Hotel. It was so beautiful! Anyway, I think the rest of the walk was a bummer. Quite boring... Guess I should have been home studying. I'm just screwing my life further.

Oh, one more thing, I have not slept yet. Going to sleep soon, I guess.

Ciao...

Posted by Logish at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments

I can't really say I have recovered from my emotional depression. I'm just really sick of being sick of life that I can't really be bothered but I still bother Because its affecting me. Okay, what did I just say? Doesn't matter...

Right now, I'm really bored. Want to go out, as in out of this country. Have been in this bloody country for 6 years and counting. Not even to Malaysia. Financially "HANDICAPPED" remember!? *sighs*

Life really is an illusion. Well, I don't mind having a better illusion anyways...

I'll try my best to improve my life, both academically and financially. At least those two are the primary cause. Once I get them stable, the others will most likely be solved.

Okay, great! I don't even know what I'm talking about. What say you? *sighs*

Posted by Logish at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

Feel free to infer using the title of my post. My life is going on so "well"! Can't say its worst as anything can get worser than worst. Go figure...

I'm sick of living up to others' expectation of me being nice all the time. I hate sucking up to people. I just realised something, from a certain point of time in my childhood(did I even have a childhood?) till now, I had no one I could truly depend on. Emotionally, mentally, physically I have to depend on myself. It's like, when I get so shaken, I talk to myself, crying. I have no one to talk to, to release this immense misery. I try to be as strong as I can and people just take me for granted. Logen this and Logen that.

I often wonder if I was born in a wrong body, to the wrong family, country, continent. I wish I was never born. To live with so much emotional pain is not to live at all. Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy. Why am I saying this? So that some idiots won't irritate me/"aggravate" me further just because I seem to be happy.

I want to go out alone and let it all out. Somewhere far, but its not possible. I'm financially "HANDICAPPED". I have to face the green walls of my room. All this, though I have faced for quite some years, seems so new to me. Everday I pray to get out of this life but guess what, I seem to be chained to it. I long for someone who would listen but no one thinks its important. After all, what could a 15 year old teenager be facing?

Evertime I feel as if I'm dying but have I actually died? I'm waiting...

Posted by Logish at 7:39 PM | Permalink | Comments